Woven Waves

It’s a really peculiar feeling when you come across someone who at one point was important in your day to day life but now doesn’t cross your mind for months. It seems even more absurd to realise that the era with this person ended almost seamlessly without either of you realising it. This phenomena is the main backing behind my firm belief that every single person in our in our lives are simply there because you share a mutual gain from each other - they have something you need and vice versa. Most of the time we don’t look at our relationships like that but it’s the only reason (which makes sense to me) why most people will eventually leave. After you’ve acquired whatever you need from that person, there is no longer any reason for them to stick around. I know that sounds pretty ruthless, but it can be something as simple as you wanting a friend who’s into partying because you have a summer off with nothing else to do, or it could be a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario; the relationship teaches you to grow in whichever way you need to. However, when the summer is over or when you’ve grown in a certain way… their presence becomes redundant and you’re naturally drawn to people who’ll help you shed that next layer. So slowly but surely they become less prevalent in your life as the majority of your time is dedicated to someone else. The amazing is that this is happening for both parties involved, and so when a friendship fades and the both of you fail to keep in touch it’s not something that hurts, it’s something you can muse over in the future that acts as a bookmark to be able to help you clearly identify what you learned at that point in your life. I won’t deny though, a lot of the times these doomed relationships aren’t mutual and one person is left out in the cold; you simply accept it’s time to move on. And even if you won’t admit it you know that if they ever chose to come back there’s still a space for them. Maybe some people can teach you multiple things at different times in your life? Which is why when I come across a friend who I haven’t thought about in months, I don’t only find myself musing in the nostalgia, I also feel a little hurt because a part of me wish they’d stayed. 

May 29
Ajar

My heartbeat had rhythmic pacing. Beep. Beep. Beep. I remember thinking that that’s the closest I’d ever get to being a musician “this sound is comforting”. The nurse took the heartbeat thingy off my index finger and suddenly I was two teeth poorer and ordinary. Everything was numb and fading in and out of consciousness was ideal. The handful of drugs over the next few days kept this limbo state in tact, whenever I could feel their effects passing it was time for the next dose - perfect. Three days later I felt well enough to roam the city and meet some friends. It was a long day of which a lot was spent in transition from point a to b to a to ?. By the time I made it home that night I was beat, exhausted, distressed. I sensed a wave of revelations heading towards me, circling around my brain like a tainted halo of truths I’d have to confront. That sounds pretentious but it’s one of the most real experiences I’ve had yet. I was up all night banking on this clarity/chaos until my brain felt like it was about to implode. The sleeps from then ‘til now feel like bridges my body has to cross to keep going, it’s all been one long day of accepting and embracing my inevitable existential crisis. What. Am. I. Doing? The numbers on the calendar change everyday and I’m told it’s going to be June soon “what are your plans?”, “what are you doing this summer?”, “what are you going to do after you graduate next year?”. I have no answers and the scarier part is that I don’t even know which questions to work towards anymore. What is it that I’m even striving for? A job? Creative fulfilment? Being content as a person? How do I go about any of these things anyway? It’s all extremely overwhelming and it flashes in front of me for half a second before it’s gone and I see it heading straight back towards me all over again. The only thing I know is that I want to do, so much. Achieve, grow, explore but at the same time I don’t know what I’m doing, so I do nothing at all. At this point all I can grasp is the hope that when I cross the bridge tonight, I wake up in tomorrow

May 24
Wisdom Teeth

Drip, drip, drip,

words are used to fill a void -

a pace for days uneventful.

A facade, for the weak at heart,

and comfort, warmth in the coldest parts.

They form a net that I fall through,

into an infinite cursed abyss,

you’re a truth that lies to all. 

Drip, drip, drip. 

Apr 25
drip, drip, drip.
jackpuke
Nov 21

jackpuke

days and days go by,
supposedly the time has passed,
from when we were you and i.
the rest move forward, 
i lay awake,
searching for a reason why.
these hurts these aches, 
have come my way.
so i pray and pray,
i lay awake,
wondering how they tie.
these moments these glimpses, 
they blind my eyes. 
but the rest move forward and i pray and pray,
i lay awake
Nov 16
i lay awake.

I know smell is supposed to be the strongest sense to bring back memories anywhere from your youth to childhood days - “smell memory”, right? I’m completely in awe of this phenomenon and have experienced it working its magic many times before. Once when I was waiting to cross the street in town, it had just rained and it smelled like Delhi in the monsoon seasons. I was immediately brought back to the pale leaves glued down to the rough Indian roads by water droplets, the hot tea, parle g biscuits and how I felt to be in a place that I could call home. Another time it was the purple flowers that grew at the edges of the garden in the house I first lived in. The slight yellow right in the middle and the winter mornings when my mum wrapped me in a big blanket and put me in the backseat of the car as she drove my brother to school. It wasn’t safe to leave an infant child at home even for an hour in Delhi. What I’ve always questioned is not the power of smell memory, but if music can evoke the same nostalgia… and more? Certain songs will never fail to bring me back to my past no matter what I’m doing at the current moment. I could be running, on the train to college or just having lunch in my dining room. A song can literally make me stop and drag me back into the same emotional state in the memory that the song is associated to. Though songs can not bring me back to childhood times, I feel the memories they do evoke are stronger. It is not only the weather or my age, it’s everything in between. What I was wearing, doing, thinking but most importantly feeling at the time. I do believe the music itself deserves a lot of the credit if I’m to claim that my emotions enable memories to become vivid, because it’s no surprise that music is emotional. That being said however, even if in the memory a sad song was played whilst a friend and I laughed, that would be conveyed accurately when the song were to be played again. I guess what I’m saying is that Smell Memory is no doubt powerful and can bring us back to times we can’t picture in our minds without the scent, but a song can bring us back to a state of mind we may have intentionally left behind, which for me can’t compare. 

Jun 10
Music Memory.

So I’m going to do it, I’m going to attempt to write about the one thing every single person in the world constantly strives for. This post is happening mostly because though Happiness is a common goal, it’s one of the hardest things for me to work at consistently. I’ve heard many different views and opinions on how Happiness works, where it comes from and how to achieve it. Through over twenty years I’ve finally come to realize and can share with full confidence what my take on the subject is. For me, Happiness is a choice. This stems from my view that situations and experiences are objectively only so much, the rest is what you take from them. You can either laugh about something and move on or take it to heart and get upset. I’m not saying that either of them are rightI’m saying it’s your fuckin’ choice to feel however you want. Maybe you don’t have a choice in the matter and your first instinct is to start crying - well fair enough! But how you deal with the situation after that, and how you feel when you reflect on it is in your hands. You can stay bitter or let it go. In the same way, I feel being happy is also completely up to you. Whenever I sit down and fully assess everything I’ve been given, it blows my mind then I think about people I know who have less and yet they seem to be so much more content and generally happier in life. I don’t get it, what am I doing wrong? Why can’t I just be happy all the time? Especially if I’m saying I believe that it is a choice - so why don’t I choose to be happy? So I’m still trying to figure out this part…  Maybe it’s just my personality to be more pessimistic and cynical about life, who knows? I do however know things which make me happy. Extremely happy. Hanging out with my good friends and chatting late into the night. Immersing myself into a creative project and seeing it through ‘til the end. Doing something nice for my parents. Going on a holiday where I feel I can breathe clean, fresh air… etc etc and the list goes on. So this post doesn’t really have a solution really, it’s more just a thought I’ve been struggling with and trying to figure out. Maybe soon I can find more of a balance and achieve a healthy level of consistent happiness in life. What’s happiness to you? Are you happy?

Mar 31
Happiness.

For those of you who know me, you may know I love the song On Melancholy HillI by the Gorillaz. For a few of you who know me quite well, you know that this song is especially special because of the real life Plastic Tree that stands in a house that’s a part of my view from my window. Maybe you don’t exactly know the whole story (that I’ve concocted in my head) but let me give you a quick overview. So when this song came out I associated it with a palm tree growing in some independent house’s front lawn which was covered in electric blue christmas lights. So you know what I mean right? It’s a tree covered with plastic and thus it’s a plastic tree - simple isn’t it? However, why it meant so much to me was because of everything I associated with the tree. It was a stressful time when this plastic tree became a part of my life, I was in the midst of I.B, I was dealing with failing friendships and general unsureness of my future. Every now and then in the late hours of the night when I was up finishing homework or researching universities I would look to my left out the window for a breath and there it was - the only thing seemingly alive when everyone and everything else was asleep. It was a glittering blue blur that grasped my attention and I found myself day dreaming about my ideal future. On an unrelated note, I was studying philosophy at the time and found myself finding peace in life when I attached meaning to inanimate objects. This electric blue light that draped the palm tree was turned on twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Though in the day time this light was dim and barely visible, if I ever did happen to glance over at it and focused I could see it shining very, very subtly. This Plastic Tree brought me comfort and a sense of ease, as if no matter what happened at any time of the day, there was something consistent out there just for me. As time went by, life changed and one day this light was gone. The Plastic Tree was gone. I walked past the house a few times and the tree was there, but there was no light. Eventually I moved countries but every now and again I would find myself thinking about the Plastic Tree, hoping I’d find the same comfort in my new surroundings. A year later I moved back and lights were back on. However, they weren’t the same electric blue anymore, they were darker, sharper and accompanied by four other plants which sported a pale pink light. Now when I look over, out my window I don’t feel the same way, I wouldn’t even call them plastic tree’s… they’re just plants with lights thrown over ‘em. I don’t know why exactly they don’t evoke the same feelings in me, maybe it was a phase I grew out of… maybe I built up what the Plastic Tree really meant to me in my head. All I can say now is that there will always be some sort of light out there, maybe it’s not what was before - but there’s something. It’s different, but there’s something. Nonetheless, I will never forget the way the Plastic Tree made me feel, the calm it brought me, the (dare I say?) hope . Up on Melancholy Hill there was a Plastic Tree - when you were here with me. image 

Mar 30
The Plastic Tree.

It is rare for a pessimistic person like me to experience moments where I fully feel and completely believe that it will be okay. In the past year I would say that I’ve experienced this clarity and peace maybe… four times? Five times maximum. Anyway, today was one of those days. It’s almost unnerving because suddenly this bubble of misery that I have justified through my pessimistic view of the world pops… and my brain is like… wow, I think it’ll actually be okay. Maybe it’s just me, but realizing you’ll be okay is a scary thing. You’re all of a sudden pushed onto the other side where the rest of the world is happily going about their day. It’s disorienting, you’re in a new place and for a second you remember that you’ve been here before. When you were much younger, and when everything wasn’t as complicated. Personally, I like not to get too excited about these moments (surprise surprise!) mostly because there’s a chance of it being a false alarm. You know what I’m talking about right? When everything in life has been going pretty shit… then one day you start seeing things in a new light and BAM! “Oh what? Everything is actually okay!” Two hours later… “Oh wait I still feel just as shit as before”. This being said I’m not going to take away from real moments of feeling ‘okay’, I mean if the one I felt today wasn’t real then I guess I wouldn’t be here writing this. When you know you know, and that’s what’s so special about it. It’s real… “Oh wait, if this is real.. then things will get better… wow”. However, any true pessimist who undergoes these rare enlightened states will know to keep it on the down low and to not make a big deal out of it. Because though things will become better in the future they’re still shit right now, and the idea of life being okay is exhausting ‘til the day, it is.

Oct 30
Okay.

I wrote 10 draft emails in the past two months. They weren’t to addressed to anyone, in fact no one’s name was mentioned at all apart from in my last and final draft. I don’t know the exact reason I’ve written them. Maybe it’s about not being able to say things you feel - maybe it’s just a form of closure. What I can say for sure is that there is some comfort in it somewhere. Most of my blog posts are basically analyzing human nature as I see it and applying it to different situations, and I feel like this is probably the most important one, so listen up. People need to be heard. It’s just how we’re wired, we can’t survive alone, we can’t be happy alone and we as a race need an identity and a voice. I know this is beginning to sound a little pretentious but bare with me. You have feelings about how the world is, about how people really are and most importantly about if whether or not you’re generally happy in life. You want to share this, no matter how introverted or shy you are. You want to be heard and you want to express yourself, it’s just in our nature. Even if you don’t get anything out of it, even if it doesn’t change anything. The human race itself is a tiny blip in the entire lifetime of existence… and so our lives are almost not even real.. and it that little time we have we want to prove that we’re alive, that we feel. Maybe that’s what my blog is about: look world, I feel something, listen to me please. Point is, my drafts were basically this, they were to someone I didn’t know or for someone who wouldn’t listen. But technically, I said whatever I needed to, it doesn’t even have to be heard by another human being, ever. It has left my head and entered the tangible world (or intangible should I say) that is, the internet. I feel a little bit of closure now, like okay I can take a breath. I did something, I said how I feel. It’s out there now, go find it.

Sep 8
Drafts.